4 Warning Signs Your Friend is a Covert Narcissist
The red flags are there — don’t ignore them!
A narcissist’s first impressions (plural) are simply a mask, an illusion. We all realize it sooner or later, don’t we? But by then, it’s too late; we’ve fallen in love with that illusion. It is that convincing, and it show-and-told us what we wanted to feel, see, and hear.
And so, we fall for it.
Of course, the mask, even in the early days (known as the “idealization phase”), is not perfect. Narcissists are (perhaps) human, after all, although that statement may be up for debate.
Regardless, the mask is simply an illusion, a construct that they have created in order to package themselves into a shiny, gilded, socially acceptable image–a hologram, really–that they can present to the world. They come across as warm and romantic, a lot of fun to be around, joking and laughing easily, and trustworthy.
The mask does have its cracks, however — imperfections, tiny weak points, at which their true personality does slip through. The feeling that something isn’t right, something doesn’t quite add up, may or may not be there at first, but it doesn’t take long to set in, does it?
Here are four warning signs that something isn’t right, and your friend may be a full-blown narcissist…
They don’t ask you many questions about yourself.
Every healthy friendship starts out with the basics, and that includes “getting-to-know-you” questions. As time progresses and the bond deepens, these questions may taper off, since you’ve gotten to know each other quite a bit already. Before long, you’ll know each others’ favorite color, preferred types of music or movies, favorite hobbies, and plenty of background information and personality traits.
However, these questions don’t cease abruptly, they should be bidirectional.
Healthy people want to know more about you (without getting all creepy about it), and vice versa.
A narcissist, on the other hand, may talk endlessly about themselves (I tend to use “they/them” pronouns), but may not ask much about you. In fact, they may not even listen closely to what you have to say to them. Instead, they may appear preoccupied or disinterested.
- Quick ProTip: If you suspect that you’re dealing with a narcissist, simply repeat something (preferably something relatively memorable) you told them last week. Say it like you’re saying it for the first time. If they respond as though it’s the first time they’ve heard it, that’s a red flag.
You catch them in little lies.
Early on in one of my friendships, I’d met him at his parents’ house, and he had pointed to a shed in the backyard and indicated that that was a “guest house”. He said that that was where he actually lived, not the “main house”. The “guest house” looked a little rusty and run-down, not exactly fit for living in, but I didn’t think anything of it. He was in his 30s, after all, and I didn’t know anyone of that age who still lived with their parents.
One day, we were texting and he slipped, saying “my room”. I had noted that he had a large family and several pets living in a small 3-bedroom home, and wondered aloud how he’d managed to snag a room to himself in the house. He finally confessed that he’d always lived in the house, never the shed, and he’d made up his independent living situation because he didn’t want to admit to me that he still lived with his parents.
“For every rat you see, there are 50 you don’t.” ~ Dr. Phil
If they lie about something as trivial as a living situation, chances are they’re going to lie about a lot of other things, too.
Some lies aren’t so white.
They frequently get blocked/banned from social media.
Many narcissists, especially younger ones, are genuinely addicted to social media. They rarely “like” or comment on other peoples’ posts, but they will check their own notifications (constantly) to monitor how much response their own posts are receiving.
Their other favorite activity (besides clicking on their own wall) is to “troll” other Pages and Groups on social media sites. They will invade those spaces and inject inflammatory comments deliberately meant to be provocative.
They intentionally start conflicts online that escalate and devolve very quickly.
If their comments are flagged and then reviewed and deemed harmful or extreme enough, the social media site might temporarily (or permanently) suspend their account. No doubt the narcissist will complain about this, as though they are the victim in the situation.
- ProTip: The only way to win the game is not to play. They will never relent, concede, or back down. Even negativity is perceived as attention, and it’s the constant attention they want. They get a thrill out of knocking you down and destroying you. Best just not to go there. When you decide not to engage them, they “lose out” on that thrill, which is the worst thing that can happen to them.
They’re extremely negative or pessimistic.
Whenever you ask them how their day went, either “it sucked”, or “it was boring”. Narcissists can be extremely regimented, and often hold the unrealistic expectation that everything is always going to go their way. They simply don’t understand that Life Happens, regardless of whether you’ve made plans. Any deviation from their expectations plunges them into an angry crisis mode. The slightest hiccup of stress ruins their entire day, and therefore, “it sucked”.
If their day went pretty smoothly and uneventfully, they’ll complain that it was “boring”.
It can start to seem like nothing is ever good enough, and everything failed to meet their surreal expectations, and therefore, everything sucks.
They may even hold a worldview that is rather dark or bleak. They may subscribe to various nihilistic or anti-natalist philosophies. They often see life as a waste of time and energy, and many of them repeatedly refuse to see anything beautiful or positive about the world. And there is no helping them.
- Beware: they will often debate philosophy on social media, forcing their outlook on others and talking down to other viewpoints quite condescendingly.
What To Do
- Never attempt to “fix” them. Don’t attempt to counsel them on the basics of life and bonding with others. Don’t try to convince them that the world has some positive aspects or that life isn’t all bad all the time.
- Don’t let yourself get sucked into their vortex of negativity, deceit, or trolling. They make provocative, inflammatory statements on purpose, and they do this because your response is their entertainment. Don’t let yourself get pulled into their depression, their emptiness, or their conflict.
- Manage your expectations. Never expect them to change or to become a better person. Don’t expect them to “grow up” and become normal people. They’re never going to act according to regular adult standards. Never compromise or weaken your own boundaries, but do lower the bar.
- In fact, keep your boundaries strong and intact. Apply them consistently. Decide what behaviors you will and will not tolerate. Where do you draw the line? That’s a personal choice, but do take a moment to contemplate this, before you find yourself in the heat of a moment.
- Listen to your gut and be true to — and honest with — yourself!
